Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Hometown Says Happier Elsewhere

The Bachelorette travels to hometowns. I (don't judge me) normally take notes while watching The Bachelorette so I can remember things to make fun of and practice writing "Lambton", but I cooked dinner last night and had some friends over to eat while we watched...so I didn't pull out my notepad.


Roberto - Tampa
Ali went to see Roberto in Tampa. (Because you couldn't get that from my subtitle up there.) They played a cheesy, flirty game of catch while she wore one of his old baseball jerseys. Okay, it was kind of cute...whatever. Then she met his family. I felt like I was watching Dude, Where's My Car...
"This is Zabu, Zellnor, Zelbor, Zelmina, and, uh, Jeff."
Roberto introduced Ali to his: dad-Roberto, mom-Ulga, sister-Ulga, and some random kid named Peter. Sorry dude. They sat down to dinner and then played the Latino version of Dance Dance Revolution...isn't that what happened? Something like that. Whatever it was, during her dance break was the only time Ali didn't have a drink glued to her hand.




Chris - Cape Cod
Next stop was to see Chris. They played on the beach with his precious dog and then went to his home. I almost couldn't watch because I was so insanely jealous. Everything about this guy (as seen on TV) is exactly my type. He is perfect for me. His family was absolutely precious. "Love is the only reality" - a bit cheesy for my liking, but I love it. He's so handsome, funny, sweet, loving...ah. I literally covered my eyes when they kissed in the mini-castle in his back yard. Oh and...whose car was that in the driveway? Because I drive the same exact car. Is that life giving us a hint? I think so. My favorite thing about their date was when it was over. First of all, because it was over...but secondly, because he whispered in her ear and pried her beer out of her hand when she was saying goodbye to his family. Ali, maybe you should leave these guys alone and go hang out with Lindsay Lohan.




Kirk - Green Bay
Kirk's parents don't speak to each other, which I think is weird. (Red Flag.) Ali was greeted by Kirk's mustached father, stepmother, and adopted little sister. That sounds weird...only the father has a mustache. "So, Ali...do you wanna see my basement?" was the greeting by dad. Red Flag #2. I'm from Podunk, Mississippi and the dad's taxidermy shop still freaked me out a little lot. But Kirk's dad really was sweet. Just creepy. While Ali and Kirk were on their way to Kirk's mom's house, the spectators at my house decided why the parents don't speak. It was definitely a one night stand. Kirk's mom is a socialite. She was at a formal event. Kirk's dad was the creepy valet. She was smashed. "She tipped him $5; he tipped her a kid." Then we met the mom and decided that was not the case. The mystery of the nonspeaking parents is still unsolved. Mom was nice, too...but also slightly creepy. I just didn't picture Kirk coming from these two. He's so cute. Anyway. Ali sipped gulped on her red wine for this entire date, as well. Chill out girl.




Frank - Chicago
Frank took Ali on a boat ride, cutie. Underneath his cardigan he was wearing a deeper V than Daniel Tosh has ever seen. I'm pretty sure I got a glimpse of his belly button. But enough about that. His family was really cute. And despite his over-emotional self on the boat, it is obviously clear that Ali is already in love with him. Frank's sister warned told Ali that Frank is completely guided by his emotions. He's so completely precious, but I couldn't deal with that emotional, clingy stuff. No thank you. Knock yourself out Ali. Literally. A concussion would be good for you.





So with Roberto she got a baseball field. With Chris a beach. And with Frank a boat. Kirk's date had...a stuffed baby bear? Romantic.



Listen, people. When someone breaks up with you...if they say "it's not because ________" - whatever they put in that blank is exactly the reason they're leaving you. Hence why Ali said, "It's not because of your family," when she didn't pick Kirk. Yes. Yes, it is. Now, Kirk...it wasn't because your family is your family...it was because they weren't Roberto's family, Chris' family, or Frank's family.



So I've read that if Ali doesn't pick Chris, they want him to be the next Bachelor. So I either need to sign up to be on it, or make sure any and all things ABC are blocked from my television and computer for the duration of his season. I couldn't watch him fall in love with someone. Nope, too jealous.

Okay guys...if any of you watch the Bachelorette and think you're in any way comparable to Chris...let me know, because I want to marry meet you. Wait, who am I kidding? Straight guys don't watch the Bachelorette. Uh.

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