Monday, November 9, 2015

The Spiral

One of the biggest things that came from my most recent relationship (and subsequent breakup) was a mountain of insecurities. I've always faked confidence really well, but I was so beat down in this relationship, I couldn't do it anymore.

Everything was my fault, always. I was too critical. I was too mean. I was too fat. I was too negative. It was too much for me and I started to believe it all.

Following the breakup, it was even worse. "You know everyone thinks you're overwhelming and pushy and that I could do better." Well, ok, yes, I am overwhelming and pushy and I think we could both do better because we just aren't a good fit for each other...but hearing it stung a little bit.

I'm full of myself. I just don't know what love is. I'll never be happy because I push everyone away.

The past few weeks, I've been really down about it all. I've been going out a little too much, which then just makes me feel more insecure/ashamed. It's time to escape the Spiral.

I need to find a better outlet. Maybe it will be this blog. Maybe it will be working out (and not because he thinks I'm too fat). Maybe it will be something else. But it's time to really move on and start my life again.

1 comment:

  1. Im sorry that you were in a relationship like that. Sometimes emotional abuse is more destructive than physical abuse, but you can't see the marks it leaves. I dated someone similar to who you are talking about. He was hot and then cold, back and forth, told me others thought I was crazy (when they'd actually told me he was acting crazy). In the end, it was HARD to get out of that cycle, but it was so good when I did because I realized everything he said wasn't true.
    I'm glad you're taking the steps to get out of the spiral!